As a Spirit

- In love, sometimes we would like to see our selves shine, glow, incandesce out into the world - glowing in the night, like some stoked up fire fly, or falling star. At least sometimes, that is. Or maybe we want to be stoic, and strong - we want to be a rock, a foundation, a support.  Or, after a long time, we can dip into a strange world of just being, of being content - of feeling love in this moment of "just right for this moment".
The following song is from the mid eighties

As a Spirit

My hear stands as a castle,
Shape'ed by the rain
Hewn from the ice of a winters storm,
by a lovers gentle pain.
And now the walls lay newly stilled,
from the songs they used to sing,
The chambers seem so merciless
no solace do they bring,

The master door is open wide,
the gates are thrown away,
yet no one wants to come inside,
And I seem to hear them say -
"Do not go there, my friend
I think it is unsound,
and you might be inside of it,
when all the walls come down..."

You can say your life's half over,
or you still have half to live
You can stay outside, not risk a thing,
or come in and see what a house can give
Now won't you come and live in me?
I'll keep you warm and dry,
If just you'd fix my leaky roof,
and move your things inside.

But don't close the door when you come in,
this house is too large just for you,
It gets lonely in the winter,
Have some friends over, if you choose
If they don't mind a slightly haunted house,
Haunted by a single ghost
After all these years of loneliness,
I'm you're spiritual host.

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

The transition from lover to friend to nothing

- So, you meet someone who does something for you. Maybe they sat next to you in Chemistry and had a certain "something" about how they plagiarized your lab notes; maybe your at a bar, and a different kind of chemestry happens (perhaps C2H5O5 related...) A million different ways that we start to fall in love.
Then, after a while, usually its not just one thing, but a bunch of things that conspire to test the relationship... For me, it was often about 3 months after the start. Little things at first, stuff that you've been meaning to bring up, to work out; how could this NOT be important to you? And from there, usually the break up.
And there you are, in this strange space where there are so many options and paths you could follow. Many times the relationship just "goes away", and gets filed under the "that was a mistake" category.  Yet, when you find pictures of that weekend getaway years later, doesn't it still flash to a smile in your mind, your heart? Was it really a mistake? Or was it just an adventure. And if we could be ok knowing it wouldn't last, would we still go in, knowing that we would have an adventure which would leave us with more knowledge, some moments of passion, and lessons, and smiles.
And what about the love you had?  Is it gone, or has it morphed into something else? Has it hidden or kind of "composted itself" into something else? Now, looking back, I can see different flavors of love for all these people that touched my life - some dim tendrils, some still smoking years later...
Sometimes the transition from lover to friend was natural, some times it was unwanted, some times it was only temporary.
The following song comes from one such transition from lover, to friend, to in this case, nothing beyond an etheric memory or the "was".  This was from some time in the late 80s I think. Didn't even have a title on it -

Once you were the joy of my heart, the thrill of my mind, a hand upon my soul,
once you had a face that shown alone, a way that was your own, and me.
But then we loved in such a different way, you were my every day, and I your every night,
once you were, but now you can not be, I understand you see,
I don't need you, and you most certainly don't need me.
But still, some how, we're friends.

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

Too Young To Give My Heart Away

- From the perspective of a teenager, I remember thinking that I had a lot more going on than most adults could appreciate or probably comprehend.  They were, after all, way to "old" to remember what it was like, and undoubtedly, there was something uniquely cool about our generation, that made us better equipped, smarter, and, well, just overall, um, well, something or other, than they were... I assumed I knew what was going on, even though, now, I realize that I didn't - but was unable to hear or understand that possibility because, I was a teenager...
One of the BIG programming subjects by society is sexuality, "romantic love" and the whole idea that you are somehow incomplete of your self; that you need another person to complete you - as if you are only half of a person (or less), half a heart. And further confusing, there is some suggestion that there is only one other "half" that will fit you to complete you. And you're supposed to get it right the first time - when you know absolutely nothing about it...
So this is a song written in November of 2000, in retrospective of my teenage years and first love/heartbreak.

Too Young To Give My Heart Away

When I was a child, innocent and pure,
My mom told me fairy tails, of how true love endures
So I grew up thinking, all I had to do,
was find someone to take my heart, and our love would be true.

So I looked around, to see who was there,
Someone here right next to me could be the answer to my prayers,
A girl came along, I thought she might be the one,
at 16 I was tired of waiting, and so the pain begun...

[Chorus]
I was too young, to give my heart away, I know it now,
but the waiting seemed eternal, as if I was missing out some how,
If I could have waited, and reigned in my heart more,
Maybe I wouldn't have had to pick up, all its pieces from the floor


So we tried this game called love, we thought we knew the rules,
I'd hear it would be easy, and believed it like a fool
But someone forgot to mention, the most important rule of all,
at sixteen we barely knew our selves, so we were destined for a fall...

If I could send a message through the heart break to my past,
not to waste my precious youth on a love that couldn't last,
and hold on to to your heart, don't think that love is late,
cause when the right love finally comes along, it was worth the wait.

Chorus

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

Storm

- So in retrospect, breaking up has at least been very good fodder for poetry.  I could say something about the pain being like a purifying fire - which is an attractive analogy, but I'm not sure how true it really is. Purification implies the removal of impurities, of things that are not "of the form" that we try to purify. Yes, we learn, but how much of it sinks in?  How often do we fall for the same type of person, thinking that somehow it will be different this time?  Or even fall for the same person over and over - forgetting how incompatible you are until after you are back together again... Is that really purification that we went through then, or is it a pain response because we don't like change?
In any event, here's another poem from 1993.

Storm - By Dave Cox

The realization struck me softly-
It's approach not heralded by claxons or clarions,
it's eminent impact upon my life not foreshadowed or predicted,
nor its tearing of my soul anticipated - like the calm before the storm.

And so when the impact came, I was not prepared.
I was not braced for the power of its blow,
nor was I ready to grasp at the shards of my reality as they swept past me.
I could only stand, dumbfounded, and stare at the destruction of my tiny world.

And now I try to assess the damage that has been done.
Years of dreams, irreparably bent and torn.
My strongest trust somehow quivering in a pathetic show of disgust.
My dearest friend distant and cold.

I Wonder if the storm has passed, or if I am merely in the eye.
I wonder if the chill before me is only a passing front, or a new way of life.
And if I stand in the eye, then can I survive the rest?
Or Will it pass over me in its might, in its glory, and leave nothing to recall?

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

Transfixed

- Love comes in so many flavors, so many textures. Some times it is light and airy, others it is heavy and dense. It can be radiantly glowing, or a dull ember. It can be about desires, completeness, polarity, sameness, passion, familiarity, some concept of destiny or rightness, or a million other things. After any of my relationships broke up, as with most people, I felt pain in almost all cases. But now, I can also look back with gratitude and thanks that whatever "we" were, existed for a while. The next few poems are from a love that I tried so hard for so long to make happen, but it just never became the thing I most wanted. So many thoughts about that time, about some concept of "fair" and "destiny" that we get wrapped up in. This is from late 1992 or early 1993.

                     Transfixed

I sit here transfixed,
staring blankly before me,
hoping that words will flow eloquently from me— onto the paper,
intact with all of the emotions still bound to them,
that you might see a piece of my soul through the lens of my words.

For with it you could see me from the inside,
you could feel my shades of wonder,
and reminisce amongst the sweet memories that you have made in me.
My deepest workings would be laid out bare before you,
and my most subtle nuance, made clear.

I would not need to fear misunderstanding,
for you could see through the these vapors of ink scrawled on paper,
past the bizarre contraption of letter, word and definition,
through the structure of sentence, or paragraph,
and understand the essence of my meaning.

If only the worlds problems were as odd and wonderful as ours,
that a misunderstanding leads to a deeper understanding,
that an act to move away, in other ways brings us closer together,
that a miscommunication could bring about comprehension,
and that from confrontation, grows even deeper love.

Writing quickly, so as not to disturb the moments insight,
I try to record the words before they fade from the perfection of the instant.
Each word falls silently from my mind into my hands and out,
yet their wandering leaves traces on me,
as well as the paper before me- to hold them, for you.

In this odd desire that you could connect through words to my spirit,
I realize there is so much that I wish to show you,
so many things I would share with you. . .
These feelings fighting to arise to the top- shouting above their brethren,
in hopes to be expressed in the few moments of poetic grace that may come. .

In awesome wholeness you are before me,
your smile traces across your lips as you speak,
and I feel the soft warmth of your breath against my cheek,
"And other times," you say with a serious voice, "I just don't know what to do"...
And you wonder why I smile.

Moments spent in concentration,
trying to solve some new riddle which you have presented me with,
whether to match a swatch of fabric with a ribbon,
or comprehend some sad injustice which has happened,
always a pleasure to answer, if only because you asked of me.

The passions that you stir in me, I didn't even know I had. . .
That you can take my breath from across the room,
make me smile from miles away, or make me tremble with desire from your touch,
to hold you, to touch you, to feel your body wrapped around me.

You move beside me, holding my hand as we walk.
Careful that no one notices our brief indiscretion,
we exit the party by the back door, and run through the field,
to land in each others arms and collapse onto the earth.
In a flash of understanding, We are one.

The pain lingers long, from a future sadness,
but its weight is carried by two and thus,
although not lessened, is somehow made more bearable.
A constant companion with which to help heal the wounds,
which life inflicts upon us all.

What pride I would feel if I could make you understand.
The dreams are only a skeleton of what you and I could become,
the feelings are only shadows of the truth that would be,
the words, though carefully chosen, show only what I can know,
and do not begin to gift us with what will be.

And as it came, the moment of eloquence passes.
These precious words start to cloud into trite phrases,
better not written on the same page.
Yet for an instant, perhaps the feelings the words carried moved you,
to see the depths of all that you are to me.

Only a single worthy phrase remains in my mind,
something by which to exit gracefully.
Though often over spoken, misused and ever so misunderstood,
yet still no better words to say, or to even try,
but to remind you of the thousand ways that I love you.

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

A Candle in the Night

- Another song, on transition, after breaking up with my first girlfriend.  Seemed so strange that we were so much a part of each others every day lives one day, and then this thing happens and we "broke up", and now, our lives are separate.  I remember soon after breaking up, having a dream that the break up was actually a nightmare that I was dreaming, and that we were still together - and then waking up, and realizing that in fact, life was the nightmare.  No date on it, but it must have been when I was 17, so 1983ish...

A Candle in the night

You're like a candle in the night,
yet you ask me to look away, from you, the only light,
and find my way, back home in the dark,
without a candle in the night.

Like a candle in the night,
one point of interest in a dreary sea
yet with your light I saw the world before me,
by the light of a candle in the night.

(C) 2011 Dave Cox

Someday

- Have I mentioned the dissonance between dreams and reality?? I've had this mixed blessing/curse of being a "Huggy Girl Guy" (my sisters term) - of having mostly women friends through my life.  A number of those friendships came from romances that bloomed only briefly, and then converted over to something a tad more than just friends, but shy of lovers - sort of a romantic no-mans land, which lead to this song.  August of '90

Someday
She's another lovely spirit, I can add to my collection,
of friendships that have come from lovers,
"Can't we just be friends, forever?"
Another friend that wants me, but not the way it used to be,
if it's true that I've done nothing wrong, then what am I supposed to learn?

[Chorus]
And like all the rest, you tell me that someday, someday,
I'll make some woman very happy, but it won't be you,
and in those words, I feel my heart beat slowing to a crawl,
I want that someday, someday...

I try to play the manly part, and claim I never wanted you,
I try to pull my heart away, before I start to cry.
I know what we had, wasn't perfect, but it seemed so much better,
than this loneliness that's left, I'm just so tired of trying,

[Chorus]

(C) 2011 Dave Cox